“That’s the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it’s impossible to ever see the end.”
It started when I was a kid. I had no clue what was happening to me. There were many times when I was compared with other kids for studying, marks, etc. I grew up a rigid stubborn girl with low self-worth. My parents used to forced us to visit relatives, to attend every family get-together which I hated the most. I got admission in an engineering college because I wanted freedom. I finished college and got a placement. My father wanted my career in government services, so I started studying for the govt exams. After 2 years of hard-work, I cleared my prelims. I fell in love with a boy. It was true love. I had invested emotionally and financially in the relationship.
For me, the relationship and the boy became my priority. I convinced my family for that boy. My parents went to his home but he reacted in a very strange way. After two-three more meetings, his family was not convinced. One day he called me and said that this marriage is not going to work because of his parents and to this, I replied, “you are not for me” and broke-up with him. The next day he sends me pictures of his engagement. I was half dead, questioning my self why me? Why my heart? Why am I not beautiful? Days went by and I moved on. I took a job to support myself and made new friends.
One day I was with my friend and we decided to go for a long drive, having no clue of what was going to happen in the next moment. We had an accident and I found my self in a hospital. I was referred to a neuro hospital as I was not responding. I had a crack in my cerebrum and there were shards of glass all over my body. After two months when I came home, I had almost lost my memory. I came to know about the boy with me in the car, he had died on the spot. when I came home, everyone was giving me a character certificate and an affidavi which said, “I am the culprit and I am responsible for his death”. I was not comfortable meeting people. I was blank. I used to close the lights of my room and sit for hours. In February of 2018, I got married to a stranger, who I met on the wedding day. My parents had decided this marriage. I came home after ten months. We both were very opposite. I wanted friendship and he wanted a perfect wife. I was a lazy girl and he was very organized.
One day. I went to the GP and asked why do I cry for hours and hours? I told him about the accident. He gave me a set of questions, after answering them I was found to having PTSD. I took an appointment with a psychiatrist. On my appointment day, I went inside, I sat and started crying. I cried and cried and came back home. I read a lot of stuff on PTSD, ebooks, journals etc. I was learning to accept life and events as it is. I accepted that it was meant to happen, that is why it happened. I also read many spiritual books which made me calmer, more true to myself. I started meditation. Whatever is traumatic, haunted, I write on the paper and then tear it off.
Every day I thank god for this beautiful life. Each day I become a little stronger and more beautiful at heart. Every day I pray God to forgive me, to give me the strength to be at peace with those who have deceived me.
When we are physically hurt, we run to the best doctor to get the treatment done, then why don’t we do the same when we are mentally hurt. Mental health is a stigma in many countries. We should try to improve our mental health. it is important for our body to run properly. Please do not ignore it. Thanks for reading my story. If you could learn something from it, it would be the best gift for me from the universe.
The views and opinions expressed by the writer are personal and do not necessarily reflect the official position of VOM.
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